I am not even sure how to start this post, so I am just going to start typing what I am thinking and feeling and go from there. What I really should be doing is going to bed, but I really felt I needed to sit down and share my thoughts and feelings from today.
So, I have had some time to think, begin processing and in a way try to stay focused on the positive and know that God is in control even in this. Even when it feels like He isn't. I got some cleaning done and we spent time as a family which is one of our favorite Saturday activities. I also sing in the choir at church and we happened to be singing tonight, so we went early so I could warm up/rehearse. It just so happens that Nicholas' God-mother is also in the choir so after warm-ups, I wanted to give her a quick update on yesterdays happenings and the tears started. Kind of like they are again right now. I know that it is all ok and that writing this down, is not only healing, but helps me process and helps me to track the progress made by all of us and the wonderful adventures we have as a family.
I have to admit, I am not even sure what got the first tear started while we were singing. I don't remember if it was the song or just something that popped into my mind. I will say Fr. Peter, well God used Fr. Peter, to make some points that really hit home. I actually had to go back down from the choir loft just so I could get some tissues. Now, I know we have no diagnosis, I know that we are still hanging out in "limbo land" again, but this is where I am at, and so I am just going to keep writing. I did make it through Mass, I even sang all the songs, though maybe a few words were "lost." I knew what I wanted to do after Mass and that was to get Nicholas anointed. I immediately after Mass went in search of Fr. Peter but, he was sick so he went straight home, but ya know, I think that is ok, for now. I stopped and chatted with my mom for a minute, and you know how mom's are, they always know. She asked me what was wrong and the tears just flowed. I shared with her how scared I am, that I know I have said I want answers, but this is one time, I want answers yes, but I want it to be a negative. I want to have to go back to square one and find something else, because I don't want to have to research and learn more about what he is being tested for. I read one article last night and I have vowed to not read another unless the tests come back positive, which I beg you please join us in prayer and ask the Lord to bring back negative test results.
One thing my mom remembered while we were talking was something I shared with her a while ago and I think it hit home with her a little tonight, where she didn't understand before. She told me, "you have always felt like you are going to 'lose' him." I can't tell you why I have felt this, where the thoughts behind it come from, it is just something that has been on my heart. I am praying that it is not something I will have to encounter for a very long time. But I will tell you this. I am going to live every moment and get every second I can with my boys, to make amazing memories. So, should this be a cross the Lord is truly asking me to bear, I will regret nothing. I think I am going to close this post with a prayer tonight. I am so grateful to those of you that are praying with and for our little family. I know that prayers are amazing things and they are felt always, even if you don't 'see' it right away!
My Sweet Lord Jesus, I think you for the life you have given me and the beautiful boys you have blessed Doug and I with. I hope when you look down you see them flourishing and daily growing closer to you. My Precious Lord, you know my heart. You feel my pain, You cry my tears. I ask that you please send down your Peace as we begin this journey over the next few months of waiting for the test results. Should you see fit, I would love for you send them back in record time. :) Lord, you are truly my breath and I know that you will not lead me anywhere that you won't walk through with me. I pray for the strength to bear the cross you have for me, but if I may be human for a minute, I pray that this may not be it. Thank you Jesus for your love and for giving us the greatest gift of all, Yourself. I Praise you Lord, and Thank you for helping me to see how healing this can and will be for me. Amen.
1 comment:
OKay this time the tears are flowing, I think of you often and can't say I know what you are going through but I do pray that you guys will get answers (and this time hoping the answer puts you back at square one with having to start all over)! Nicholas is an miracle and a blessing and enjoy every minute of every day with his beautiful smile. Life is too short to worry about the "what if's". I love you and am always here is you need someone to talk to or someone to cry with (like I said I have pretty much mastered the art of crying when it involves children and feeling hopelessness). Keep the posts coming, it is a great way for you to cope and grieve and understand and share and remember and move forward.
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