Losing Myself

The joys of married life and motherhood are too numerous to count and the blessings are abundant as well. I could write MANY posts on the happiness and all the good times and trust me there are many and I can guarantee that those types of posts will be very numerous this year as well. However, this particular post is going to dive into the comments I made in the last post about how sometimes as moms we become last and at times "non-existent" in ourselves. Case in point, I have sat down 3 times to try and get this written and now have to get up again to go change a stinky hiney. 

Ok, back, finally. Diaper changed children fed and reading books so I can take a few minutes for me. What is that? What does that mean? What does it look like? Well, I am not here to give you all these amazing answers. I am hear to share the importance of making sure that it does happen in some way, shape or form. 

You see, I am a mom of 3 very active, rambunctious, loving, crazy, fun, young boys. They are 6, 4, and 20 months. When my middle son was born, he was handsome and long and skinny and wonderful. However, not quite 24 hours old they whisked him to the NICU because, "he has crud in his lungs" I think that was the beginning of the end for me. Oh I love my boys, more than life itself really, but because of all of the stress and the struggles that he went through, I went through hell. He is now 4 and I am just starting to figure out what it means to take care of myself too. I even had another baby in there, yes, I am a little crazy. :)

What happened to me happens to a lot of moms, they just maybe didn't go through the stress and be dealing with some PTSD after it all. What happened or didn't happen DOES NOT MATTER. If you don't put you first every once in a while, NO ONE ELSE WILL. Why am I am so adamant about this? Well, because it has taken me a long time, lots of loss of sleep, losing it with my children, my husband, being cranky and irritable to fully realize the struggle I am in. Oh and not to mention counseling. I have found an amazing one and for that I am so truly grateful because she came recommended from my spiritual director so the aspect of faith is in the forefront, which is what I am wanting and needing. She has helped me to see the need that I have to have some me time. It is NOT a selfish need it is a true, motherly need. 

Now you might be wondering, why in the world does she need some time to herself, I function just fine and I am a great mom. If that is the case, then Kudos to you, seriously, that is wonderful. What a blessing to continue to be able to fully function and raise God-fearing children without some down time. I would love to know if you have any tricks that help keep you sane. If so, please comment and share as I would love to try some of them as well so that one day I might too be able to function that way. Right now though, I will take what I have and that is a beautiful family blessed by God and challenges that He has given me to become the best daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend I can be. As I continue on this path I have found when I don't get "away" I am not the mother and wife I desire to be. Why? I will tell you. Someone once explained the idea to me in this way and I think that it makes perfect sense for everyone to be able to understand. 

Everyone has a banking system within them. We can make deposits and withdrawals just like we can at a bank. Every time we help another or we are with our kids taking care of them, loving on them and depositing into their bank we are making withdrawals from ours. Which is the way it should be as they are little and growing. The more deposits we can make the better we can love them and help them become the person God has intended for them to be. It is also great for us to make those withdrawals so our life isn't "all about me." Here is not where the problem is. The problem lies in when our bank goes into overdraft. Here is where we are different than most banks. Most banks with say, 'insufficient funds' and deny the withdrawal. As moms, we don't have that automatic off switch. What happens is we completely deplete our savings account by doing what we do and that is awesome and wonderful. but we can't run on empty very long or the deposits we are giving become less 'rich' and we become more empty. This is why, for me specifically, I need to have some "me" time. I have to find ways to fill my bank so that I can continue making all of these really important withdrawals. Now, some of you may be questioning my not mentioning my husband. He is here as well, but of course most guys, over generalizing here, bare with me, are NOT like this. They do not see our accounts as being empty. Yes they can help to fill them, you bet they can probably better than anyone else, but that doesn't always happen either because their account is running low from a long day at work or whatever stressors they are dealing with. Again, please do not take out of context and became "nit picky" about what I am getting at. 

I am discovering that to be the BEST I can be, I need to have some down time where I am NOT 'on demand.' That does not make me selfish or self-centered or anti-mommy hood, quite the opposite actually. I need to take care of myself and put myself first, ONCE IN A WHILE, because that then gives me the tools and a FULL account to be able to continue to make the deposits that are necessary. In fact, I am learning more and more to follow the lead of our Lord. Even he needed to go away a while and be by Himself with His Father so He could continue to do the work that He was called to do and He is GOD!!!! I figure if He can do it, and it was good for Him than it can be good for me too. I pray that maybe something in here touch you in some way and I pray that every day you may grow closer to the Lord who loves you more than life itself.